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April 17, 2005
something to look forward to
as you can probably see by now i still have not gotten around to fixing the place up to much. but in my defense things have been pretty hectic for me lately. between tending to the crops, preparing my tax return and trying to keep up with my crystal meth habit, this week has just gotten away from me, like so many prom dates who got their corsage and free dinner only to leave with someone better. and in my confusion i think i may hvae accidentally switched the garden fertilizer with the crystal meth. however, the upside of that is that now that i am 7 feet 3 inches tall i'm thinking about trying out for the nba, and the the corn and tomatoes have gotten out of their lazy garden beds and are frenetically cleaning every inch of my house. i'm just a little worried though about what they might do once they start to crash. i don't need a delinquent gumbo of hopped up veggies tearing my house apart trying to score their next fix.another reason that i haven't been able to get this place looking a little snazzier is that i have been feeling very old for the last couple of days. not old as in wizened and mature. no, i look forward to that old feeling. i'm talking about time to replace the factory parts on your vehicle because they are about to crap out kind of old. i feel like some of my parts are starting to give out although i won't bother to tell you which because some of them are kind of gross and i don't want to be like your father, who feels that a discussion of possible gastro-intestinal disorders that could be leading to the blood in his stool is perfect fodder for dinner conversation. i will just say that i have been uncomfortable for the past three days and ailments that i used to be able to get over in the course of half a day or so are now deciding they'd like to stick around for the weekend. and this vexes me. primarily, it vexes me because i am not, in fact, old. i turned 30 a mere six months ago. and as we all know, 30 is the new 20. yet here i am already spending great lengths of time in the bathroom and making special trips to the store to purchase the pills and salves and topolgesic creams used to treat old people ailments. i've been rubbing, drinking, popping any number of over the counter pharmaceuticals to aid in my discomfort only to find temporary relief. this is not how i pictured spending my golden years.
now i know that some of you are going to say, "adam, why don't you just go see a doctor? it's probably just a simple parasite or calciun deficiency" however, i have a much better more well thought out solution and being an eternal optimist, i am choosing to look at the full half of the glass. which is why i have decided that since i am already suffering from old people problems, i should get to live like an old person i.e. ...retired. i've informed my employers of this and that i expect to be paid full pension and medicare benefits for the next 40 years but have yet to hear back from them. i'm sure it's just a matter of getting the paperwork together. so next time you from me don't be surprised if it's from a golf course somwhere in florida or arizona enjoying my well earned, if occasionally physically uncormfortable, old age retirement benefits.
Posted by adamgraves at April 17, 2005 07:26 PM
Comments
dearest adam,
i too am suffering from old-age syndrome. really. i've had gum grafting surgery. on MULTIPLE TEETH. hmmm... maybe you should eat better. and stop mixing meth & coke. i understand that's just bad.
Posted by: rlo at April 17, 2005 07:39 PM
whatever. coke + meth = AWESOME.
keep up the good work adam. if it doesn't hurt, well, you're just not having enough fun.
Posted by: beth at April 17, 2005 07:50 PM
whatever. coke + meth = gonorrhea
and word on the street is clap hurts and it ain't no fun. word on the street. beth, back me up on this one.
Posted by: rlo at April 19, 2005 08:38 PM
uh, "clap" is slang for chlamydia, NOT gonorrhea. You of all people should know that.
Oh I'm sorry, you don't have a job-- you must be going to that "free clinic". How's that working out for you?
Posted by: beth at April 20, 2005 07:42 PM
look here, skeezuh:
From WebMD.com:
http://my.webmd.com/hw/sexual_conditions/aa33140.asp
"What is gonorrhea?
Gonorrhea is a bacterial infection of the urethra in men and the urethra, the cervix, or both in women. Gonorrhea can also infect the rectum, the throat, the pelvic organs, and rarely, the conjunctiva, the membrane that lines the eyelid and eye surface. Gonorrhea is transmitted by sexual contact.
Common nonmedical names for gonorrhea are clap, drip, or GC."
you shut up. IN. YOUR. FACE.
Posted by: rlo at April 20, 2005 10:54 PM
adam, where the f are you? UPDATE!
Posted by: rlo at April 26, 2005 01:58 AM
you are all gay
Posted by: kyle at May 17, 2005 08:45 AM