August 29, 2005
what not to say
sorry to all my faithful reader. i regret that i have been neglecting my oBLOGation to this site. and yeah, i know nobody is reading this anymore because i never update it. but here i go with a new entry anyway in the hope that i can re-energize my fan base and begin my campaign for blogger of the house.so, i'm in the grocery store today and as i'm placing my bunch of cilantro into my shopping cart a cute girl is absentmindedly placing a cucumber in my shopping cart at the same time. so i ask her, "are you going to buy me a cucumber?" and she says, "well, i thought that you might want one." then i said, "well not really, but i can take it with me if you want me to." then she said, "no, i think i'll take it with me." then i brought the conversation to a screeching halt when i said, "yeah, you probably need it more than i do anyway." after that she just kind of let out a little "Oh, ho, ho," which i really only understood in hindsight.
here's the thing that you may come to realize about me if you hang around with me long enough: at any given time, i have the uncanny abilty to say the exact wrong thing. particularly to women. the story recounted above is just one example. here's another.
once, when i was in college, i was seeing this girl and we were sitting at the table talking about our relationship. well, she was talking and i was in a state of what i like to call "inert attentiveness." anyway, she kind of paused for a second and looked at me as if she expected me to say something so i did. i asked her, what i thought, was a perfectly polite question. it's the type of question that i always thought women really liked to hear..."are you through yet?"
that was the last time i saw her. that is until i was throwing cilantro into my cart this afternoon.
so here is a challenge to you, my readers. given my vast knowledge of what women do not want to hear, i think that i would like to write a book on this subject of what not to say to them. each page would be a different phrase that i have either said to women or have started to say to them but was unable to because i was abruptly cut short with a slap in the face or the screeching of tires. phrases like, "when was the last time you went to the gym," and "wow, your sister is really hot!" but even though i am admittedly an expert in such things i could always use some assistance in finding more fun phrases to include in my master work. so if any of you have ever heard a man say anything incredibly boneheaded or insensitive to a woman, or maybe you have said something boneheaded yourself, please pass those words of whit along to me so that i can publish them, make tons of money and assist other phrasiologically challenged men from inserting their foots in their mouths. and who knows, with a little practice, god willing, i won't ever let another cucumber come between me and a beautiful woman again!
Posted by adamgraves at 06:09 PM | Comments (0)